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Jokes
Apr 2, 2005 12:44:43 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Apr 2, 2005 12:44:43 GMT 10
An old farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while,and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young college girls skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and grumbled, "I didn't come down here to watch young ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Never forget, old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time.
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Here are some short ones. Some are good, some are bad, some are downright wrong!
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Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded
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Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia
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Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her
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Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
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Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
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Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
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Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhoea
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Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.
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Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
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Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.
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Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
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Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.
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Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
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Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.
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Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
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Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.
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Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
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Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
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Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
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Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.
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Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
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Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
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Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
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Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
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Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2005 12:58:52 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Apr 2, 2005 12:58:52 GMT 10
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started................
Shut up. You know it's funny.........
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2005 13:07:13 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Apr 2, 2005 13:07:13 GMT 10
Hangover Ratings
1 star hangover
No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.
You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.
Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.
The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.
You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.
Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.
Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
6 star hangover
You arrive home and climb into bed.
Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.
You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.
You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.
You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts. Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark.
With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.
You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.
It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.
Work is simply not an option.
The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.
You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed.
OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!
Thought so!!
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2005 13:39:36 GMT 10
Post by [OXSC] ShadowWolf on Apr 2, 2005 13:39:36 GMT 10
*raises his paw*
"A. Better traction in the mud. "
That is just soooo wrong, lol! Most of those were great, Arach ^_^ I loved the PMS one =P
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2005 12:15:17 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Apr 7, 2005 12:15:17 GMT 10
> > > > After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, > > > > called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with > > > > the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their > > > > repairs on the form, & then pilots re-review the gripe > > > > sheets before the next flight. > > > > > > > > Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense > > > > of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by > > > > Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. > > > > > > > > By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that > > > > has never had an accident. > > > > > > > > (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) > > > > > > > > (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) > > > > > > > > > > ************************************************************************ > > > > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > > > > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. > > > > > > > > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Something loose in cockpit. > > > > > > > > S: Something tightened in cockpit. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Dead bugs on windshield. > > > > > > > > S: Live bugs on back-order. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200' per minute > > > > descent. > > > > > > > > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. > > > > > > > > S: Evidence removed. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > > > > > > > > S: DME volume set to more believable level. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. > > > > > > > > S: That's what they're for. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: IFF inoperative. > > > > > > > > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Suspected crack in windshield. > > > > > > > > S: Suspect you're right. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Number 3 engine missing. > > > > > > > > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) > > > > > > > > S: Aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, & be > > > > serious. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Target radar hums. > > > > > > > > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Mouse in cockpit. > > > > > > > > S: Cat installed. > > > > > > > > ---------------------------------------- > > > > > > > > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. > > > > Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a > > > > hammer. > > > > > > > > S: Took hammer away from midget
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-Vi2- SeVeReD
Apprentice Spammer, 1st Class
-Vi2- clan member
Posts: 333
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2005 13:13:00 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- SeVeReD on Apr 7, 2005 13:13:00 GMT 10
Melbourne, Tuesday > The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Macquarie Fields. > The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Macquarie Fields area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. > John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. > However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the crew's first practice session, the Macquarie Fields pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2005 15:12:13 GMT 10
Post by acid on Apr 7, 2005 15:12:13 GMT 10
rofl
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Jokes
Apr 7, 2005 16:09:59 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- IriDiuM on Apr 7, 2005 16:09:59 GMT 10
Rofl
rofl again
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2005 10:17:18 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Apr 8, 2005 10:17:18 GMT 10
----------------------------------------- Obituary for common sense -----------------------------------------
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
Common Sense will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
Common Sense's health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with s3xual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened the unfortunate and ultimately deadly condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I'm A Whinger and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.
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Jokes
May 8, 2005 16:01:43 GMT 10
Post by pRoToSs on May 8, 2005 16:01:43 GMT 10
sad but true..ridiculus isnt it
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Jokes
May 19, 2005 5:24:45 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on May 19, 2005 5:24:45 GMT 10
THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL> > Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, > happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously > because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no > answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but > still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone > and scared and yelled at > the top of her voice, > "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" > Then she heard a faint voice from far, far > away.............. > > "We're down here ...."
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Jokes
May 19, 2005 13:12:09 GMT 10
Post by [OXSC] ShadowWolf on May 19, 2005 13:12:09 GMT 10
Hehehe ;D
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Jokes
May 21, 2005 9:56:07 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on May 21, 2005 9:56:07 GMT 10
>>The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take >>any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing >>one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners: >> >>1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you >>realise it was your money to start with. >> >>2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly >> >>3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright >>ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign >>of breaking down in the near future. >> >>4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting >>laid. >> >>5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject >>financially impotent for an indefinite period. >> >>6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. >> >>7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who >>doesn't get it. >> >>8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. >> >>9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. >> >>10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) >> >>11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really >>bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a >>serious bummer. >> >>12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming >>only things that are good for you. >> >>13. Glibido: All talk and no action. >> >>14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they >>come at you rapidly. >> >>15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've >>accidentally walked through a spider web. >> >>16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your >>bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. >> >>17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the >>fruit you're eating. >> >>And the pick of the literature: >> >>18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Jokes
May 23, 2005 7:01:31 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on May 23, 2005 7:01:31 GMT 10
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
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Jokes
Jun 24, 2005 16:41:44 GMT 10
Post by -Vi2- Arach on Jun 24, 2005 16:41:44 GMT 10
>> 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? >> >> Unique Up On It. >> >> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? >> >> Tame Way, Unique Up On It. >> >> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? >> >> They Take The Psycho Path >> >> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? >> >> You Boil The Hell Out Of It. >> >> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? >> >> Dam! >> >> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? >> >> Polaroid's >> >> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? >> >> A Stick >> >> 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? >> >> Nacho Cheese. >> >> 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? >> >> Subordinate Clauses. >> >> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? >> >> Quattro Sinko.. >> >> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? >> >> Spoiled Milk. >> >> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? >> >> Frostbite. >> >> 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? >> >> A Nervous Wreck. >> >> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? >> >> Anyone Can Roast Beef. >> >> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? >> >> Right Where You Left Him. >> >> 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? >> >> Because They Have Big Fingers. >> >> 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? >> >> Because It Scares The Dog. >> >> 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? >> >> Sanka >> >> 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? >> >> The Location Of The Dirt Bag. >> >> 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? >> >> Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. >> >> 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? >> >> A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! >> >> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. >> >> 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? >> >> Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Jokes
Jun 25, 2005 0:04:17 GMT 10
Post by [OXSC] ShadowWolf on Jun 25, 2005 0:04:17 GMT 10
Hahaha, those are great, Arach ^_^
My brother told me this one that he heard off a local radio station out at the uni. It had my father and I in stitches =P
"My mum loves me so much she keeps me clinicaly obese to stop me from running way"
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