Post by pRoToSs on Apr 28, 2005 22:05:45 GMT 10
Had a quick search on the forums and couldnt find any thread so here we are.
I though id start with a few funny ones that i found.....ive got heaps of em...but we'll start with these few
Enjoy,
************************************************** **
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
************************************************** **
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
CANADIANS - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS- Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS - This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
CANADIANS - Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS - We are a lighthouse. Your call.
************************************************** **
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
************************************************** **
A dirty one.. =)
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
I'm coming!"
************************************************** **
Things you'd love to say at work but can't
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand what you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited you again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
I though id start with a few funny ones that i found.....ive got heaps of em...but we'll start with these few
Enjoy,
************************************************** **
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
************************************************** **
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
CANADIANS - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS- Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS - This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
CANADIANS - Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS - We are a lighthouse. Your call.
************************************************** **
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
************************************************** **
A dirty one.. =)
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
I'm coming!"
************************************************** **
Things you'd love to say at work but can't
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand what you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited you again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
